I’ve quit cleaning my house. I’m not just saying that and my house just looks “lived in” or things are out of place. You know those people, the ones who say, “Oh sorry about the mess!” when their house looks perfectly clean except for the one dish that needs to be washed? Okay, I admit, I have been that person. But that was then. This is now. Now I have a busy 9 month old I am always one step behind. Now I am 13 weeks pregnant. Now I am busy traveling to visit deathly ill family members or hosting out of town guests or being sick.
In college, when times got tough (read “it was finals week and she hadn’t studied), a friend used to bemoan that the “steam roller of life” was getting her down. I submit to you that the steam roller of life is constantly chasing me, and my clean and organized house has been plowed down! To the point that The Hubs, God bless him, has been cleaning up a bit. I love that man but he sure does not have the same cleanliness standard as me (what man does?!).
The fact is, as you all know, my house wasn’t that clean to begin with. Its just that I could have cleaned it if I wanted to. Now, it feels like the heaviest task in the world. Anyone want to buy me a maid service?
Along with the house cleaning, I
begrudgingly haltingly humbly admit that I am taking a break from cloth diapers *gasp*! You see, I don’t have a washer/dryer in my apartment, and what with being pregnant and all, it just felt like too much. Its just a break though, just a break. I know what you’re thinking: “But she made such a big deal of it!”, “Wait, she’s pregnant? When did that happen?”, “How does she come up with these witty posts?”. I have decided to give myself some grace in at least this area of my life, and let go of my expectations for myself.
I suppose that this is one of those things that won’t seem like such a big deal as my babies grow into children and young adults, although it does feel like a big decision in the here and now. I researched and calculated and agonized over the decision to use cloth, and I have guilt tripped myself into thinking I could not take a step back.
I suppose this just illustrates the greater lesson I am currently learning: Grace. Grace with a capital G, to accept it and extend it to myself and to offer it to others. To accept the fact that the best way to take care of myself and my family right now is to take a few things off my plate and allow things to be a little easier. To accept that this is a season where things won’t look as polished or well in control and that some of my messy might be exposed. To move forward in my own parenting journey, while casting neither judgement nor comparison on others whose parenting journeys have led them down a different path.
So here I am: messy, exposed, covered in Grace. I suppose that’s where I always am, even though its hard to admit and accept.